First of all, I must say that it has been a while since we last hung out. I'd like to take this time to apologize for stuffing you into a garbage bag and throwing you into the basement for a few decades. But hey, at least you have all of your friends and accessories with you to keep you warm, right? I mean, just think of all of the things you can do to pass the time, now that I'm not around to bother you! You can go back to one of your many careers as astronaut, school teacher, veterinarian, scuba diver, or one of those other things you left sadly unfinished to hang out with me. Or maybe you should work on your relationship with Ken. I know, I know, you've moved on. It's been seven years since you broke up, Barbie, and to be honest my opinion hasn't changed on the subject. You were made for each other! I hear he wants you back too, so why don't you get to the bottom of that one? For old time's sake?
Don't get me wrong, I still remember the old times. How I used to love brushing your long blonde hair, changing your Velcro and nylon outfits, and acting out your life for you. Don't you find it weird that you could never do any of those things for yourself? Perhaps because you are made of plastic and are an inanimate object!
Now that I think about it, Barbie, there was always something off about you. Something...fake. Your eyes were always so glossed over and painted-looking, kind of like there wasn't anything going on behind them. And your hair...it always had this unnatural shine to it...I've never seen anyone with hair quite like yours. And you know what, Barbie? I went and did some calculations in the time since we've been apart. I found something interesting, Barbie. Want to know what it is? Well, I'll tell you. Did you know that if you were human-size, you wouldn't even be able to support yourself with your body structure. Not to mention that you would have severe back problems from walking around all day on your tippy-toes. But don't worry, Barbie. With all of the scandalous clothes you wear, so many men will be slapping your behind that it'll make your back snap straight and you won't even mind when they look at you like a piece of meat.
You know something Barbie? When I was younger, I secretly wished to be like you. I looked at your pretty painted eyes, your long shiny hair, your slender molded body, and I though you were perfect. I thought you were what society wanted girls to look like. I looked at myself and noticed quite a few differences, Barbie.
And what's funny, Barbie, is that countless other girls, back then and now, are thinking the same things I thought. And from there, it isn't a far cry to the days of women's place being in the kitchen, only speak when you're spoken to, and who knows what else. You may believe yourself to be the best friend of young girls everywhere, but the fact is that you just haven't adapted as much as you'd like to think.
This is the 21st century, Barbie dear, and I'm going to have to be brutally honest with you. You're not a good role model. You're the reason girls with beautiful dark hair are bleaching the life out of their strands, the reason girls are puking up their dinners in the bathroom, the reason older women are injecting substances into their faces for that plastic perfection.
I'm going to give it to you straight, Barbie, if you don't keep up with the times and modern women, you're just not going to make the cut. If you want to become every little girl's best friend again, you're going to need to make some very necessary changes. Starting with your body. How about less plastic perfection, and more realism? Have some wrinkles added to that mold! Wear some respectable clothes, and maybe shorten up those legs a little. It wouldn't hurt to perhaps donate some of the heaping piles of clothes you own to a worthy charity and while you're at it, work on the relationships you have with a few choice friends for a while instead of discarding them for new ones every Christmas season. Now really, when was the last time you talked on the phone with that lovely girl Teresa? I know she probably misses you, you used to have such good times together. I don't much care for these new friends of yours, Barbie. Not much at all.
I'll check back in with you in a little while to see how you are coming along. Remember Barbie, there is a lot more riding on this than just a pink Jaguar convertible. Know what I mean?
Well, it's been a nice trip down memory lane with you, but I need to close the bag again. I hear there are some spiders down here in the basement. Eww! Well, goodnight, don't let the basement bugs bite.